So, I've just been in a horribly negative frame of mind. It has to do with my impoverished life. Not being able to sleep...The nightmares when I do, living an inch away from the streets, not having a car, not able to return to Illinois because they'll throw me in God-damned Cook County Jail if I do. I've been there once for nine days back in '03, got drunk off hooch with the vatos for the last three days I was there. Mother fuckers were smokin' crack in that shit. It is survival off the fittest in there and I've got some feminine facial features and mannerisms. The cliche "I'm to pretty to go to jail!" actually applies to me.
I've given up on pursuing love, the american dream, money, fame and all the other things most people chase after. I'm tired and I don't see the point anyways, we just die in the end and it makes no difference. I'm only 30 right now and I think "FUCK!" I might have another 50 or 60 years of this horrific life left in this unforgiving world. If this is the case, all I want to do is party all day everyday. I mean getting smashed 24/7. I was talking to a good friend of mine and I explained that my desire to live like that is like falling in love, you have no control over what your heart truly desires. To party hard is hella fun, anyone that's done it can tell you that. I can't find the desire to pursue the "normal" things in life though I try. My Mother would be sad to find out about my view of the world but I can't let that dictate what I see as reality and I think it is commendable to still be true to yourself regardless.
The only reason I blog and make videos is to commercialize them to make money without having to work forever. Eventually I hope to make enough to support myself and be able to live like I want to without someone expecting me to behave a certain way, at home, or a boss at some fucking job. I can't hold a job 'cuz I always show up hungover or still drunk or drink on the job, fuck 'em! I can't force myself to care. I live according to what I want, why shouldn't you? Think about it, Why shouldn't anyone? To "live"? How are you living if you are constantly denying yourself of how you want to live? I know we're all different and we all have different wants out of life. Though I think most people are delusional regarding the things that they think are important which or usually based on a combination of religious shit, peer pressure, social and environmental conditioning. I feel entirely cleansed when it comes to looking at reality for what it really is. I have practiced looking at everything amorally and objectively. With such emotional neutrality you can see things from every perspective and see what's at the root of each perspective. When you have no foundation from which you view the world, you see it with clarity. Then you look at the night sky, see the billions of stars and how small we are in comparison and realize the immense probability that we happened by accident. Then look at the world and see how ruthless and godless it really is. You are truly free when you see reality. It ain't pretty.
I don't think you can say that my desire to live a life based on what makes me feel good when you take this perspective. If it has a risk of self-destruction so be it. So does joining the military. We are animals, just visit your local prison. I'm not saying it's ok to go around stabbing people if that's what makes you feel good, but that shit happens.
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